Because Saying ‘No’ Is a Full Sentence and ‘Yes’ Is Overrated 

I have learned the hard way about setting a healthy boundary. I do not do well sleep deprived. Looking back now at how I had to raise my children as a married single mom, iykyk, I have no idea how I made it without a padded room. Several years ago, I was taking my teenage daughter to the doctor for a checkup, and I was so sleep deprived after not getting enough sleep for a few days that I got the amazing privilege to embarrass her so bad. We were quietly sitting in the waiting room when some little boy on the other side of the room started playing the song baby shark in Spanish. I do not know Spanish, but I knew that tune. I started giggling and trying so hard to not laugh. Of course, trying not to laugh only made things astronomically worse. I was hysterically laughing, and I could not let myself make eye contact with anyone else cause I knew I would lose all control at that point. I was barely hanging one to begin with. I didn’t help that my daughter kept poking me telling me to stop laughing while she was giggling too. I can’t imagine what we looked like to all those other parents just so peacefully sitting around us. Needless to say, I’ve learned I do not need to go into public sleep deprived.  

Through this and so many other issues that I deal with when I don’t get enough sleep, I know it’s up to me to get my butt to bed when I know I need to so I can get at least 7 hours of sleep to properly function the next day. I have to say no to that long conversation at the end of the day that some people I swear wait all day to have. I do make rare exceptions.  

Several years ago, I even set a routine on my phone. It goes on do not disturb every day at 8 pm and that turns off at 4 am. I only allow 3 people to reach me during that time because I know they only call or text if it’s an emergency. There’re some people that I don’t even take phone calls from after 5 or 6 pm. I know when they call late that’s it’s only drama or wanting money.  

Now, on a more somber note. I watched my mom as a single mom go beyond what I would consider humanly possible to take care of my brother and me. She did whatever was necessary in her eyes to make sure we had what we needed. And I say in her eyes because it was sometimes to the detriment of herself. I remember one instance when we were grown and out of the house she was put in the hospital because she had bladder infection. As minor as that normally is because you normally know there’s an issue and you can easily treat it. She was in a season in life that she was so focused on my brother who was locked up at the time that her own health needs were put on the back burner. That little infection got to the point that she had to be put in the hospital for a week to get IV antibiotics. I remember being so upset that she wasn’t taking care of herself. She was so focused on being what she thought my brother needed at the time that she nearly lost her own life. It was such a profound moment in time for me because I saw that no matter how much we want to care for others, even our children, if we don’t take care of ourselves first there won’t be anything left to care for the people that need us.  

To do all the things we need to do and care for all we need to care for setting healthy boundaries is an absolute necessity. If you are struggling to say ‘no’ without feeling guilty I hope this post helps you see boundaries in a different and better light.  

What are boundaries, and Why Do They Matter? 

I look at setting a healthy boundary as a way to honestly do what you really want to do. Let me put that a little plainer maybe. I love my daughter with all I have, and I want to be able to be there for her when she needs me. She is a cuddle bug even at 20 years old  😊. And she would love for me to come cuddle with her and talk at night when it’s well past my bedtime. I know I need sleep to function the next day, or no one is gonna get a pleasant side of me.  I usually try to start heading to bed around 6 if I’m paying attention to the time because I get up around 2 am. Sometimes if I just want a little extra sleep I wait till 3. Now I know it takes me a little bit to fall asleep so that’s why I start prepping to head to bed around 6ish. But if I stayed up with my child to spend “quality time” with her every night guess what, I can’t be there for her like she needs. I will be mentally checked out from exhaustion. I won’t be able to form sentences with a struggle or even think clearly. My decision-making process will be so hindered, and my temper will … well, we won’t go there. Now do I do those little cuddle moments and talks from time to time? Yes, absolutely. She needs them. But to be what she needs I have to set that boundary to care for my needs so that I can be there for her. Does that make sense. The goal as a mom is to be there for our children and the boundaries we set make that possible. That’s just one example but I know you know many more ways to apply that. We have to sometimes look at the future needs over the now needs.  

You setting healthy boundaries protects you, your time, your energy, especially your mental health. Ever met someone that was just mentally checked out? Yeah, we don’t want to be that way. Take the time to check in with yourself. How do your boundaries look? I’m gonna give you a little hint. When you think of a certain person or situation do you feel some bitterness or irritation? That is a very strong indicator that you probably have a boundary that that you either haven’t made clear to others or even yourself OR you have not been able to enforce or maintain a boundary that you want there in some compacity.  

I was speaking to a coworker a few days ago and I know she gets irritated at a lot of what she has to deal with pertaining to her current job. Now she was telling me that she is about to switch back to a job position that she used to have but wasn’t sure if the company had someone to take her current job so she was assuming she’d kinda have to hold both job positions. As a friend I advised not doing that because she was already getting to the burnt-out stage dealing with all the mess in one position. Now of course this isn’t an isolated case because I know we all know so many people around us that have accepted extra work or extra responsibilities and they grow to hate their jobs and begin to see everything and nearly everyone through a negative filter. I know I’ve done it. All because I don’t want to say no when I see a need that needs to be met.  

As some of us here are people pleasers for various reasons. If you’d like to dive into that why, feel free to schedule a one-on-one call with me and let’s talk. So, let’s look at it in a little different way. If I say yes to spending extra time at my job, then I’m also saying no to time with my family or even family time becoming complaining time. Every decision we make is not a yes or no, it’s a yes and no. If I say no to a phone call at bedtime that I know will hinder me being able to go to sleep for hours if at all, I’m saying yes to my mental health the next day. I’m saying yes to being able to think clearly enough the next day to handle that phone call if necessary, during the day and provide the help needed. When you have to say that no, take a moment to look at what you are able to say yes to. Setting those healthy boundaries matters to you and to all those around you that need you. 

Types of Boundaries That You Need to Master 

Now this is going to only be a few. I have created a list of 9 boundaries and a healthy boundaries chart you can have for free.  

Setting a Healthy Boundary in Physical Boundaries

Now I know most of us know this one deals with your body. You have every right at any age to not hug that person that makes you feel uncomfortable. But physical boundaries go beyond even that. It includes personal space and your expectation of privacy.  

As a mom I know it’s my job to protect my children and that includes who and what I allow in my home. As my children got older the boundaries of who and what I allowed to come into my home changed, as they should.  

After experiencing domestic violence, I know I’m probably more guarded than someone that doesn’t have that background. I have learned to set boundaries with people that some do not like or agree with. I know it may sound harsh, but I’ve had to learn to be ok with being the villain in some people’s stories. Not everyone gets the same access to me. I don’t invite or allow everyone to my home. There are family members that are not welcome in my house. I ain’t inviting no drama to disturb my home.  

Your home is where you should feel at peace and safe. Who and what you allow to come in will either support that peace and safety or destroy it. It’s ok to say you’d rather meet someone somewhere and not allow them to come over. It’s both ok and necessary to even tell your children that there are certain friends and items that don’t not come home with them. Ya gotta stand your ground because we all know kids, I’m gonna chance to say teens especially, will test those boundaries and see how far they can push them. When you enforce and maintain healthy boundaries you are showing your children how to do that for themselves.  

Setting a Healthy Boundary in Finances

This is a boundary that I’m honestly still learning myself. There’s a lot under the umbrella of financial boundaries. It encompasses personal budgeting, debt management, loaning money, and if you give someone money that needs it. Ok, let me see if I can talk about this a little without climbing on my soap box.  

I don’t even remember learning anything about money management in school. I can now see that learning to budget and handle money is incredibly important. So much so that I sought someone out to sit down with me and teach me how to plan out where my money is going before I get it. She’s taught me how to set goals for setting aside money to vacation and still pay for the things I need to pay. I have learned so much about setting healthy boundaries with myself. I strongly recommend working with a financial coach if you are new to setting up and maintaining a budget.  

You’re not obligated to loan or give money to anyone, not even your family. I ain’t gonna name any names but I got some people it wouldn’t matter how much money I gave them to help in a situation they would end up right back in the same dilemma they are in now. That’s called enabling not helping.  

Setting a Healthy Boundary with Your Time

No, you don’t have to run out and grab project supplies for an assignment that is due tomorrow when your child waits to inform you the day before. You have all your normal day-to-day stuff to do and you still need to sleep. Also, you don’t have to say yes to the boss when they ask you to stay longer. Saying no to staying longer at work means saying to family time and personal time. The people around you need you mentally healthy too. 

What Does the Bible Say About Boundaries? 

Switching gears a little here. Boundaries can have a negative light sometimes. When I started really fleshing out this boundaries stuff and taking the time to look at things I was having a whole conflict internally. Like it was a mental war between good and evil. On one hand my logical thinking brain said healthy boundaries are necessary and a good thing.  

Suddenly the more I thought about it the other part of me said well Jesus knew what Judas was going to do to him and he still allowed him to be around and showed love and compassion to him. Right? I kinda warred about that for a while because that thought brought into question my decision to now allow some people to be a part of my life because of their life choices. Here I am not only a professing Christian, but I strive to follow his teachings and ways every day. I know I don’t always get it right. I was struggling to understand, and I had to go to my Abba Father and say that. I knew I needed better understanding of boundaries if I was ever going to, at the time help my mama and my children, have a better life and future. 

After taking time to spend quality time with the Lord and in His Word, I began to see the boundaries he put in place all through the bible. The guidelines He gave Adam and Eve were boundaries. They weren’t there to keep anyone out or as a punishment, He gave them so they would be protected and flourish.  

Another example is in Mathew 5:37: “Let your yes be yes, and your no be no.” This verse is a reminder that you don’t have to explain yourself after a “no.” Just because someone asks doesn’t mean you have to say “yes.”  

Let’s dig into that a little deeper. How many of you either have a toddler or a teen or at one time had them? If ya ain’t got there yet oh just wait. I feel like these two stages in a child’s life are the same. Sweet mercy does the toddlers and teens seem to live for testing any and every boundary. I know this is a necessary part of growing up to learn how to function in the world, but it sure does make ya wanna pull your hair out, commit murder, and scream all within a days time span. To be honest that could happen all withing the same millisecond especially if you have a strong-willed child. But when you tell your child no and stick with it, that gives them security. They may not like it, but sticking to that no brings safety. It also begins to teach them how to set their own boundaries. Just like us, uncertainty makes them feel unsafe and unsteady too. I know with a mom’s heart we want our kids to have safety and a steady successful future. 

 There will come a time when they need your advice and either they don’t want to ask or you may not be around, but when you are consistent with your “yes” and “no” they will have the advice they need because they know what you would say already.  

How to Set Healthy Boundaries

Here are four simple steps to help you start setting boundaries without needing a glass of wine or a Xanax afterward: 

1. Get Clear on What You Need 

If you don’t know what you’re saying “no” to, how can anyone else? There are some boundaries that are absolutely non-negotiables no matter who it is. Make you a list of your non-negotiables in the different areas of your life — things you won’t compromise on like rest, time with God, or your kid’s nap schedule.  

Y’all my mama is someone that will go above and beyond even a heathy level. But oh boy that womans has got one boundary ain’t no body crossing. She learned the hard way. That line went from being drawn in the sand to being sealed in concrete now. Ain’t no one, not even her grandkids, living with her.  

2. Communication (Without Guilt) 

You don’t need to offer a three-page explanation for why you can’t do something. Practice saying, “I’m not available,” or “That doesn’t work for me.”  

Some of us are just home bodies and that is ok.  

3. Use Boundaries to Protect, Not Punish 

Boundaries aren’t about pushing people away. They’re about protecting what’s precious – you. Remind yourself of this when you feel guilty about saying “no.” 

Setting a healthy boundary is so important because someone is watching. I might ruffle some feathers here. I see so many memes and jokes about moms doing so much at the expense of themselves. Like they have their daughters dressed in brands and all put together while they look homeless. What are we showing our daughters with that? They should be entitled or that when they get their own homes and families their needs no longer matter?  

4. Expect Pushback (And Don’t Apologize for it) 

Trust me, people won’t always like your boundaries, especially if you’ve been the go-to “fixer.” But remember: their reaction is their responsibility, not yours. 

I have had to learn to be ok being the villain in some peoples’ stories. If I don’t take care of me, I can’t take care of my house and I can’t help my friends or family. 

Setting Boundaries Isn’t Selfish — It’s Biblical 

The truth is, setting a healthy boundary isn’t just about making your life easier (though it will), it’s about honoring God’s design for relationships. You can’t pour from and empty cup, and no, you’re not called to be everyone’s Savior. *That job’s already taken*. How many times did Jesus go off by himself. He knew he needed time to regroup and spend time alone with His Father. How much more do we need time for ourselves to make sure we are taking care of ourselves and spending time with the Father? Jesus gave us the permission and the example to set healthy boundaries.  

Setting a healthy boundary is one of the best ways to preserve your peace, protect your time, and show others that you respect yourself enough to say “no” when necessary. It also shows them that it’s ok for them to do the same as they may need.  

Don’t forget to download the free chart and start learning where your boundaries are.  

 Call To Action 

Take the first step towards a more empowered and fulfilling life by scheduling a free 30-minute discovery call with me today! We’ll discuss your unique needs, and explore how my personalized 1:1 coaching, group coaching, or a self-paced plan can guide you on your journey to setting and setting a healthy boundary in all areas of life.  

Together, we’ll uncover your inner strength, develop effective communication skills, and create a personalized plan to build the life you deserve – one filled with self-respect, healthy relationships, and unshakeable confidence.  

Let’s walk this journey together, one boundary at a time.